what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
