wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
