Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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