just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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