Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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