guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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