Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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