I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
