If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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