Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
