True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So many bounce houses so little time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
