Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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