She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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