whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
