Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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