Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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