Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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