I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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