We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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