i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i think my cat just said my name.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
