Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
