having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
