Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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