I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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