Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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