This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
