yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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