***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
