I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
