I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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