I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
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