he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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