Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
