You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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