watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
