i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
