OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
