Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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