im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
