I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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