i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
