I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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