Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
