Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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