i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
