Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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