he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
