If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
