if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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