omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
