life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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