I just made out with a guy for $7.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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