mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
