I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
