I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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