I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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